V for Vedanta, Not for Valentine – An Open Letter

Namaskar.  My Name is Baba Pandit Arun Joshi Maharaj Swami Bhagwan. Having noticed the moral decline in our desh, I have decided to speak out against the biggest evil facing us. No, I won’t talk about petty matters like poverty, corruption, female foeticide, etc. Our biggest problem is Valentine’s Day, or, as I call it, “Day of Slutty Sluts Slutting Sluttily”.

Oh how we have fallen; from Sati to slutty! I see dented and painted women strutting around in high heels, burning with non-swadeshi carnal fire. I meditate upon our history when they used to burn in ACTUAL fire.

It is a foreign abomination! I realized it this Diwali while buying Cadbury  gift boxes at Archies. St. Valentine didn’t exist! He was invented by corporates just like Santa Claus was created by Coca Cola. Bajrang Bali save us from these corporate “saints”! When will we stop revering foreign idols and realize our worth? Some would say that the existence of the Kamasutra and the temples of Khajuraho prove that the Indian culture encourages such degeneracy. NOT so. Those depictions are ancient scientists doing extreme yoga while observing perfect celibacy. It is the western influence that has polluted the relevance of Aasan 69.

And what is this “day of love” nonsense? More like day of lucchagiri! I confronted some insolent couples at an alcohol establishment. I asked them, “What is love”? They said, “Baba don’t hurt me.”

Love is when you marry a stranger and take a home loan. What we’re seeing is fake love. In western countries, half the married couples get divorced because they believe in love marriage, but Indian couples stay together despite rampant domestic abuse. THAT is true love.

Parents, keep a check on your children! Today they are celebrating made up holidays, tomorrow they might end up eating non-veg! Children are not mature enough to understand love or marriage. That’s why my comrades forcibly marry them off. Children take wrong decisions in the heat of the moment and may never live down the trauma of it. To discourage them from doing so, we tonsure and beat them up in public.

Dear naïve youthful youths of great Bharat, you might mistakenly assume that I am against freedom. Not so at all. You are free to do all the monkey business you want once you’re married to a suitable partner from your religion (no unnatural homo relations beta), preferably within your own caste (which is a scientifically proven system by Dr Bala Hegde from Panvel Homeopathic Centre), to make babies (missionary position only!).

Girls, the burden of preserving  Indian culture is on your understandably weak shoulders. However, you will be able to carry this responsibility without difficulty if you dress modestly, speak inaudibly, and adhere to gender roles as prescribed in the great Book – Manusmriti. Cover yourself for God’s sake! You know the traditional way is the best way of doing anything.

Boys I ask you to observe Bramhacharya. Asaram bapu himself has advocated the practice in his bestselling book ‘The Secrets of Eternal Youth’. The only way to preserve your youth is if you don’t do anything youthful like intercourse or arguing with your elders. To distract yourself from such pursuits join my organization – Society for Preservation of Testicle Nectar.

I was going to write this article in traditional ancient Sanskrit but was told by the annoying editor that it would present problems with the search engine optimization.

Jai Hind!

PS – I congratulate Chindwara district collector for announcing 14 February to be Parents’ Day. Who needs foreign artificial celebrations when we can make up our own?

 – by Piyush Tainguriya. He is also the co-founder of Project F, and editor at The Monthly Rag

 

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